Yesterday the latest issue of Computer Music magazine showed up on the Pocketmags app.
-=-=-
Hurray, said I. The new "Plugin Suite v3" is out!
I jumped through the hoops to download the 3+Gb of plugins, and opened up the big zip's contents.
And, boy, what a disappointment.
Almost every single one of the new plugins, freshly added to the archive, had the following (or similar) .pdf attached.
Although the plugin suite did indeed contain over 3Gb of plugins, nearly all of those were the old V2 plugins.
Whatever was new wasn't actually in the bundle, and you have to jump through hoops to gain access to them.
Now, look, I'm not being a gimme-gimme-gimme idiot, here. I understand that data = payment, so heading to the site giving them your email, verifying your email, etc, is all part and parcel nowadays.
But, here's the thing..
For decades, that's been IN the app/utility/game.
You open it up for the first time, enter your details, and everyone's happy.
Not now, though.
Now you have to jump through 100 hoops to get the "free" thing, and then STILL have to sign in once you're all done.
I don't know why this has become harder to do.
Sure, people would've "easily" pirated it, in the past. Used a keygen, no need to register.
But.. .. They'd probably still do that, anyway. And this is supposed to be "Free". Why is "pirated keygen" easier than "Free"? Why is this happening?
I can't understand this mentality.
My games, tools, and more, are all free.
They're available in (usually) a single click, I won't ask for your name, let alone your email address, and you don't have to log in to use them, or god-forbid install an installer to use the bloomin' things.
Free should be Free, and if you need to ask for an email, do it inside the thing that's free, instead of making everything harder for everyone.
[verse]
Give us your name. Give us your email.
Maybe your phone number, too.
Where are you living. Do you own any pets?
Is there anyone else there, too?
[chorus]
Now you get this free thing.
It's a handy paper hat.
I hope that you enjoy it.
Are you happy we gave you that?
[break]
[verse]
What's your mother's maiden name?
And, hey, where were you born?
Could you tell me where you went to school,
As you fill our Freebie Form.
[chorus]
Now you get this free thing.
It's an awesome plastic toy.
I hope that you enjoy it.
And it brings you endless joy.
[break]
[bridge]
We saw you liked on Facebook,
A thing that we create.
Perhaps you'd like to buy that too,
Here's a 5 pound epic discount.
[ending chorus]
Now you get this free thing.
It's a mousemat with our logo.
I hope that you enjoy it.
And show it on your YouTube channel,
So that all of your subscribers,
Will like our product, too.
And then we'll make a million bucks,
From leaching off of you.
[Green enters Dave's apartment, which is completely covered in yellow paper hats with bunny ears attached. Dave is in the middle of the room, wearing one of the hats and grinning widely.]
Dave: Greenie! You're just in time for the unveiling of my latest stroke of genius!
Green: [looking around in disbelief] Dave, what in the name of Matt have you done to your apartment?
Dave: [triumphantly] Merchandising!
Green: Merchandising? For what exactly?
Dave: For BurrowOffice, of course! Our VR spreadsheet wonderland needs a mascot, and what better than adorable bunnies with number vision?
Green: [rubbing his temples] I see the sales counter's still at One.. .. Singular.
Dave: Ah, but that's where these come in! [He plops a hat on Green's head] With these, we'll create a BurrowOffice cult following!
Green: [sarcastically] Yes, because nothing says "reliable accounting software" like paper bunny cults.
Dave: I just need to individually number each and every hat. You busy?
Green: Yes, very.
[Scene Two]
Int. Dave's apartment - A few minutes later
[Green is trying to navigate through the sea of hats while Dave excitedly explains his plan.]
Dave: Think about it, Greenie! We'll be like those Silicon Valley companies. Google has its little Green Robot, Microsoft has the colourful flag, iOS has that half eaten Apple for some reason, and we'll have our Numbered Bunny Hats!
Green: Dave, you do realize that Google didn't start with merchandising, right? They actually had a product that worked first.
Dave: Aaah, but what about that silly Apple, though. You can't tell me that iOS thought of that from the start.
[Dave rushes to his desk and returns with a small device.]
Dave: Ta-da! The BurrowOffice Coke-powered calculator!
Green: [alarmed] Dave, no! The hats are enough. And when did you even have time to buy all these?
Dave: [waving dismissively] The merchandising sells the products, Greenie!
[Scene Three]
Int. Dave's apartment - Evening
[Green is helping Dave box up the paper hats, looking exasperated.]
Green: Dave, if you can't sell software online, what makes you think you can sell these paper hats?
Dave: Everyone loves paper hats!
Green: Could you maybe put the paper template online and people could grab it for free?
Dave: Free? Are you crazy? Where's the money making scheme, there?
Green: If people enjoy your free gift, and admire the way you went about giving it to them, instead of making them jump through hoops to get a stupid paper hat, maybe they'd be more willing to trust you and your company in future.
Dave: [suddenly excited] Oh! I just remembered! The jackets should be arriving, soon!
Green: BurrowOffice Jackets?
Dave: With little bunny tails!
Green: Good grief..
[End credits roll, as they continue cleaning, Green discreetly tosses the Coke-powered calculator into the bin, looking relieved.]
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