Dear Mrs Apron,
We regret to inform you that your recent purchase of our Extra Sharp Knives has resulted in an unprecedented beef shortage in your local area. Our records indicate that you have sliced through approximately 73% of the county's cattle population. While we applaud your enthusiasm for our product, we kindly request that you consider switching to a duller blade or perhaps take up a less destructive hobby, such as extreme origami.
Yours concernedly,
Bartholomew Blunt
Customer Relations, Slice & Dice Cutlery Co.

JNKCE20241125

Wacky Weeds
Ext. Dave's Garden

[Dave and Green are in the back garden of Dave's new house. It's overgrown and there are weeds everywhere]
Dave: Right then. Where to start?
Green: I'm not sure we should pick a specific place, here. Just grab something sharp and start slashing away.
Dave: Oooh, I like sharp!
Green: Yeah, grab the larger blades and just try to make everything .. .. lower! We can deal with specifics once we can see further than arm's length!

[Dave starts organising the garden tools by placing Cola stickers on them]
Dave: Everything's better with Cola stickers!
Green: Dave, you don't need to label secateurs.
Dave: But how will I know which ones are for the Cola plant zones?
Green: There's no such thing as Cola plants.
Dave: That's because we haven't made a zone for them, yet.

[Green hands Dave a rather large and sharp implement]
Green: Just, be careful with that, ok. I mean, REALLY careful.
Dave: You don't need to tell me twice. This looks as sharp as a rake!
Green: Rakes aren't sharp, Dave.
Dave: Sure they are. All spiky and pointy like that. They'd have your face off if they had the chance.
Green: Pointy isn't the same as sharp. These blades can be deadly, so go careful, ok.

[Dave starts waving the blade around like a ninja]
Green: I think we'll avoid the cola today, huh?
Dave: What!?
Green: Or at least, hold it off until we're done out here. We don't want any fizz-induced chaos.
Dave: But it's hot out here!! I might need refreshments!

[Green looks up at the ominous black cloud hovering above them]
Green: It really isn't that warm, Dave. Take your top off if you're too hot.
Dave: Which one?
Green: [analyses Dave's clothing] How many are you wearing?
Dave: Three.
Green: That might be why you're warm.
Dave: Nah, it's the clouds. They're too low.
Green: Sure. ok. Right, I'm going over here. You start on those shrubby things over there.
Dave: Yay shrubs.

[Dave walks over to the shrubs and swipes his blade at them, reducing them in size by at least 3 percent]
Dave: Wow, these really are sharp, huh?
Green: Be careful.
Dave: I am!

[*clang*]
Green: What was that?
Dave: It went clang.
Green: Yes, I heard it.
Dave: Maybe it's a Cola dispenser! Like the ones from my dreams!

[Dave attempts another swipe, to which another clang is heard]
Green: Sounds metallic.
Dave: A Cola bush!?
Green: It's not a Cola bush..

[Green comes over to see.]
Green: I think there's something buried in the shrubs.
Dave: Ooooh, a mystery!
Green: Keep chopping around it, it could be something important.

[Dave and Green slice delicately around the clanging object]
Dave: What is it?
Green: [tilting his head to get a better look] I think it's a wood burner.
Dave: A wood burner?
Green: Yeah, for burning wood outdoors.
Dave: How much wood would a wood burner burn?
Green: Depends how much you can fit in. This one looks fairly big. That'll certainly come in handy for everything we'll be chopping down.
Dave: Cool. It's like recycling!
Green: [ponders] No, it's really not.

[Dave sticks a Cola sticker on the wood burner]

Dave: Yay!
Green: You really do have a sticker for everything, don't you?
Dave: Always be prepared!

[End credits]