[verse]
Advent is over and Christmas is looming, (yeah!)
In the distance, Santa Claus’s singing is booming. (ho ho ho!)
There’s a reindeer waiting to fly in the sky, (fly, fly, fly!)
It’s a festively wonderful Christmassy night.

[chorus]
The sleigh bells are jingling, (oh, jingling!) the stars are aglow, (so bright!)
All the rooftops are dusted with a layer of snow. (oh yeah!)
The Elves in the workshop are preparing the toys, (toys, toys!)
For the well-behaved girls and the good-mannered boys. (hooray!)

[break]
(Ooooh, jingle jingle, yeah!)

[bridge]
Preparing the sleigh is a privileged job for an elf. (an elf!)
Santa is trying to choose which ones help him this year. (ho ho, who’s on the list?)
As he flicks through the staff that appear on his tablet, (tap, tap!)
He’ll pick out the team who will help him tonight. (oh yeah, tonight!)
But which ones will he pick, and will they be alright,
Packing all of the presents up high in his sleigh? (pack it up!)
They have to be packed tight with so many in, (so many!)
But sturdy enough that they’ll stay safe in the sleigh, through the skies. (whoosh, whoosh!)

[break]
(Ooooh, pack it tight, pack it right!)

[chorus]
The sleigh bells are jingling, (jingle jingle!) the stars are aglow, (they glow!)
All the rooftops are dusted with a layer of snow. (snow snow!)
The Elves in the workshop are preparing the toys, (toys, toys!)
For the well-behaved girls and the good-mannered boys. (hooray!)

[break]
(Ooooh, jingle all the way!)

[verse]
Later tonight, on his sleigh, Santa’s satnav, (beep beep!)
Will guide him to all of the children with care. (care, care!)
He’ll tuck all the packages under their trees,
And drink all the whiskey they’ve left waiting there. (cheers, Santa!)

(It’ll keep him quite warm through the cold frosty night,
Though it might cause a wobble in the sleigh’s steady flight.)
(wobble wobble!)

[break]
(Oh, steady Santa, steady!)

[chorus]
The sleigh bells are jingling, (oh, jingling!) the stars are aglow, (so bright!)
All the rooftops are dusted with a layer of snow. (oh yeah!)
The Elves in the workshop are preparing the toys, (toys, toys!)
For the well-behaved girls and the good-mannered boys. (hooray!)

JNKCE20241224

The Turkey Timeline

Int. Dave's Dining Room
[Dave stands before a whiteboard covered in complex calculations. Green sits at the table, watching with growing concern. Lady Computer's screen is visible from the doorway]

Dave: Right, if we factor in the ambient room temperature...
Green: Dave, it's a turkey. The cooking instructions are on the packet.
Dave: Mrs Microwave says we can't trust Big Turkey's calculations.
Green: Mrs Microwave isn't even cooking it!

[Dave draws another diagram]
Dave: What if we plot the mass-to-heat ratio...
Green: The what?
Dave: Lady Computer, run simulation 47B!
Lady Computer: [screen flickers]
Dave: Exactly! The internal temperature curve is all wrong.

[Dave turns to his collection of appliances]
Dave: Mr Standard Fridge, what was the turkey's cooling coefficient?
Green: Dave, you can't-
Dave: Shhh! Mr Fridge is calculating!

[Dave scribbles more equations]
Dave: According to Mrs Microwave's thermal dynamics module-
Green: It's an OVEN cooking it! The microwave has nothing to do with it.
Dave: That's Mrs Microwave, to you.
Green: Even so.
Dave: Yes, but Mrs Microwave has experience with poultry.
Green: When has your microwave ever cooked a whole turkey?
Dave: She watches cooking shows when I'm asleep.

[Dave draws a complex timeline]
Dave: So if we start at 3:47pm precisely...
Green: Why not 4 o'clock like a normal person?
Dave: Because Lady Computer calculated that 3:47 maximizes the festivity quotient!
Green: The what?
Dave: You know, like with the vegetables!

[Green stands and walks to the whiteboard]
Green: Dave, this is overkill.
Dave: No, the turkey was killed humanely. I have the certificate!
Green: That's not what I... never mind.

[Dave consults Lady Computer again]
Dave: Wait! We forgot to account for the Cola marinade!
Lady Computer: [screen flickers]
Dave: To the Emergency Cola supply.
[Dave walks two steps to the Cola fridge]

Green: You're marinating the turkey in Coke?!
Dave: It's festive!

[End credits]