[verse]
Why won't you work?
Why are you failing?
Something's not right.
But it isn't explaining.
I'd love if you functioned,
The way you're supposed to.
But everything's broken,
I just want to be playing.

[chorus]
Give me a driver, Give me the apps.
Install the things that won't make it act crap.
I'd love to enjoy all of the things that you run,
But it seems like the drivers are the best of your fun.

[verse]
I went to the website,
To emulate games.
"It's all in this package",
It said was its aim.
I got it set up,
And clicked it to start.
"What the heck", it cried,
"You've not installed RetroArch?"

[alt chorus]
Why must I tinker, why must I fight?
To make you just work, to make it feel alright.
Hours of updates, reboots that repeat,
My struggle with Windows feels like quite a defeat.

[break]
"Update available!" Oh no, here we go,
What will you break now? I don't want to know.
My patience is thinning, my hope's wearing thin,
A battle with drivers that no one can win.

[outro]
Give me a driver, Give me the games.
Install all the things that make me happy again.
I bought you for gaming, don't make me do work,
To keep things running smoothly when they're starting to quirk.

JNKCE20241123

[Scene One]
Int. Kitchen - Morning

[Dave's moving appliances around the kitchen counter, talking to himself]
Dave: Right. Kettle placement. Critical decision time. Just like the great microwave debate of last year.

[Moves kettle near sink]
Dave: Near the taps makes sense. That's where you fill it up...

[Stares at kettle]
Dave: But wait! Water plus electricity equals zappilly Dave. I don't like zappilly Dave.

[Moves kettle to another counter]
Dave: Maybe by the fridge? Milk accessibility is key to proper brew creation. [singing] Milk, Milk, Tea, Tea, Sugar by the Cube.

[Places the toaster next to the fridge, too]
Dave: Toaster definitely needs to be butter-adjacent. That's just science. Butter, Butter, Toast, Toast, Triangle or Rectangle?

[Stares at setup]
Dave: But then... toast crumbs! They'll get everywhere! On the cups! On my hands! In my Cola!

[Gasps dramatically]
Dave: NOT IN THE COLA!

[Moves everything again]
Dave: The microwave's the real problem. Can't have it interfering with the wifi...

[Looks at microwave suspiciously]
Dave: Evil wifi grabbing box of wonders. Stealing all the wifi, whilst warming up my burgers.

[Pulls out phone]
Dave: Mr Phone ... Do a search for "How do normal people arrange kitchens?"

[Scrolls through results]
Dave: What do you mean "wherever it fits"? That's not a system! There has to be a system! Everybody needs a system.

[Dave walks out of the room, and comes back holding a giant sheet of paper and some pens, which he lays on the dining table]
Dave: If I map the wifi signals... and the Cola distribution paths... and the toast crumb fallout zones...

[The paper becomes increasingly covered in circles and arrows]
Dave: Maybe I need a bigger kitchen. Or a smaller toaster. Or a waterproof kettle. Is that a thing?

[Studies fridge placement]
Dave: The fridge needs to be accessible for emergency Cola retrieval. But not too close to the door... Wouldn't like to be half-sipping a coke, when Greenie walks in and hits me with the door.

[Moves microwave for the seventh time]
Dave: If I put the microwave here... but then the stickers might get steamy from the heat of the oven...
Dave: And what if that ginger cat comes back and wants to watch me heat up beans?

[Checks phone again]
Dave: "Kitchen triangle theory"... But the cupboards are all rectangles. And where does the Coke fridge go? Do these people even think ahead?

[Dave scraps the topmost sheet of paper and starts redrawing plans]
Dave: Need to factor in optimal can grabbing angles... and emergency escape routes... and space for the Cola bike.

[Looks at clock]
Dave: Where's Green? He'd know where to put things.

[Rings Greenie]
Dave: Greenie, where are you?
Green: It's Saturday, David. I'm doing my backups.
Dave: Oh, sorry. Hey, what do you think is a good place to put my toaster?
Green: In the Kitchen, David.
Dave: Yeah, but..
Green: [interrupting] Sorry, Dave, I've gotta go change disks. I'll ring you later.

[End credits roll while Dave continues rearranging appliances, whilst testing the wifi signal]